If You Laugh At This, You Are A Heartless Bastard
by The Stupendous Jimbo
Summary: Title says it all.
1. Mario Party at Luigi's Mansion

Behold! The "South Park" of the Smash Bros section! Usually I feel the need to give this huge spiel over how offensive this story is, but I'm preeetty sure you're fully aware, as evidenced by the provided illustration.

The sad thing about this is that I'm a Christian. Interesting, huh?

Regardless, enjoy, and be sure to R&R (Review and Report, cause I _know _how this is going to play out.)

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**Chapter 1: Mario Party At Luigi's Mansion**

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With the success of the recently released "Mario Galaxy 2", Mario had taken the initiative to cash in his next big paycheck to host the celebration party. The only problem was finding a venue capable of handling the chaos. Especially considering this will be, in laymen's terms, "the most bitchin' party since Gangnam Style."

He walked alongside a semi-crowded sidewalk in the middle of an unknown neighborhood. He didn't bother to take note of the current location because the task would simply be a waste of time. Especially considering the location is not only irrelevant to the plot of this story, but it will never be seen again, so I cannot find any conventional reason to give it a name. Besides, it would be such a chore because Nintendo has this ridiculous habit of getting creative with the names of locations Mario visits – and frankly I'm too lazy to employ creative alliteration for areas that only show up once.

Buuut, if you're _truly_ starving for descriptive justice, I'll throw you a bone and say Mario is in the ghetto part of the neighborhood. Meaning the once green street sign is faded to a dusty, discolored brown, and name of the street is completely coated in rust. And if you insist on giving this neighborhood a name, we'll simply call it _Greasy Ghettos_. But I digress. The important thing to know is that Mario is talking on a green cell phone.

"Oh yes-a, Bowser, I assure you I will-a find an uhh…Eloquent venue…If you please…" The Italian success said in his Italian accent, because that's _exactly _how you portray an Italian accent; you put a "-a" at the end of every other word. That's not stereotyping anything at all.

Bowser, on the other hand, was having a blast talking to the actor he enjoyed working with.

"Right, well when you get the venue, gimme a call, will ya?"

"Why-a of course! Will-a you do-a me a favor?"

"What's that?"

"Would you-a mind uhh, picking up my babe?"

Bowser snickered at the irony of the situation. "Sure thing, Peach is in her castle, right?"

"Right-a, and I swear if-a she tries to pull that 'your princess is in another castle' crap again; you have my permission to kidnap her."

A deep, burly laugh echoed through the phone. "Good one! Oh by the way, if Peach is at her castle – why not throw the party there?"

"Are-a you nuts? I plan on bustin' out the uhh…Green Mushrooms…If you catch-a me drift…"

The koopa king howled in laughter as he hung up the phone. The party was going to be _great_, he thought. Before he took another step, he glanced at the green cell phone in his hand. Below the number pad was a small inscription labeled "Property of Luigi Mario." With a scoff, he slammed it against the sidewalk.

Mario cracked a devious smile at the thought of the party. Suddenly the shrieks of "OH MY GOD IT'S MARIO!" filled the air as the star turned to see a crowd of fans storm his way. He smiled and held his arms out. "MY-A FANS, IT'S-A NICE-A TO SEE YOU!"

This was nothing new to him. Ever since his debut on the sixty-four platform, he had become used to fans storming him at every corner wanting autographs and favors he _dared_ not mention. He pulled out his stamp, which contained his signature embedded in the middle of a red mushroom, and proceeded to stamp the fan's papers and body parts.

"By the way-a, in celebration of my-a most recent uhh, videogame; I'm-a hosting a party like-a never before! When I-a get the uhh, location, I'll-a post it EVERYWHERE! All-a the fans are invited!"

Cheers of joy swept the crowd. After finishing his autograph spree, he continued down the street to bask in his glory. Before he could finish the thought of how much he loved his fans, the one person in the world he could never stand suddenly called him. He sighed as he answered his phone – this one being his actual cell phone - the one with untouched minutes.

"Luigi, what-a the hell do you want-a, you stupid-o mutha fuc-"

"Mar-dio," his brother, Luigi had interrupted him. Mario never liked his brother; not because of the fact he is his twin or taller than him, nor was It because Luigi is confoundingly annoying. It was simply because of his high-pitched voice. That's it… seriously… no other reason…

"Mar-dio," he repeated in his whiney tone, but he was quickly interrupted.

"Luigi, how are you-a calling-a me? I thought you lost-a you're cell phone!"

"I'm using a pay phone. It cost five coins."

"Oh what ever! What do you want?"

"I'm-a going out of town, could you please watch over my mansion while I'm gone?"

"Your-a Mansion? Why don't-a you go suck-a my big fat-a – "

"Mar-dio, please!"

"Hmmm…" Mario paused, a stroke of genius had suddenly hit him like a bolt of lightning. "Your-a…Mansion…"

"Yeah."

"And-a…You're going to be-a uhhh…Gone…Right?"

"Uh-huh."

"For uhh, how long?"

"A couple of days. I'd ask Daisy to watch over it but she told me she wanted you to help her, and I thought nothing would be better than for my girlfriend and my brother to watch over the place. Would you mind?"

A sinister smile crept over his face. "Why uhh, sure – I'd love to, my dear-a brother."

"Mar-dio, you are the best!"

"Of-a course."

Mario hung up the phone before. With a spark of excitement, he quickly dialed another number.

"Bowser, I-a found a location!"

* * *

Three days passed since the phone call and Mario found himself looking at the collapsed mansion he once called his brother's home. Bowser walked passed Mario with a wave. "Great party!"

A huge crowd followed suit. Moments later, the only ones left were Mario, Daisy, and the burly Italian man she was currently making out with.

"Oh Wario," Daisy wailed, "You're sooo much better than Luigi!"

"Waa-hahaa!" He gave out a big laugh as he went back to making out with Daisy. Mario turned around to take a glance at the sunset, only to see Luigi drive towards the mansion in a small, green car with polka dotted mushroom designs plastered all over. Upon arrival, he jumped out of his car and looked up in horror.

"MY MANSION!" He cried out.

Mario flung his arms around Luigi with a cruel smile on his face. "Luigi, my-a brother! You're home!"

"Mar-dio!" He pushed Mario away with a mortified expression covering his face. "Mar-dio, my mansion! What happened to my mansion?"

"Why-a Luigi, I threw the biggest party! It'll make-a GREAT-a Mario Party game," Mario said with a smile; giving no sympathy towards Luigi's collapsed mansion.

"But Mar-dio, the mansion – it was my home," Luigi whined, "I spent my whole life building it!"

"Oh-a Luigi, who cares about-a your puny mansion; I have a whole entire GALAXY!" Mario stretched his arms in the air as he started laughing.

"But…Mar-dio… Daisy!" His face turned sour the moment he laid eyes on his girlfriend, who was still making out with Wario. "Daisy! What are you doing?"

Daisy turned her face and looked at Luigi. "Luigi we are SO over!"

"But…Daisy, why?"

Mario wrapped his arm around Luigi's shoulder. "Oh don't-a worry, Daisy WAS-a too good for you!"

"But I don't understand…" Luigi said as tears trickled down his cheek.

Mario snickered. "Why-a Wario has a bigger _man-chin_!" He couldn't help but laugh at his own joke. Wario gave a small "waa-hahaa" as he went back to making out with Daisy over the collapsed mansion. "You see, girls-a like men with big, brawny chins. And as you know, you have-a no chin what-so-ever."

For some odd, inconspicuous reason, it didn't help Luigi get better, so Mario decided to try another approach.

"Oh Luigi, don't-a worry, she was out of your league…"

Luigi's jaw sank. "My home…My girlfriend…What am I going to do now, Mar-dio?"

Mario pulled out a couple slips of paper. "Why-a we got invited to a fighting tournament! I doubt you'll get-a far, but the prize is ANYTHING you-a want."

"So what do you think I should do?"

"Why-a join! Maybe you-a can get your girl back," Mario suggested. Luigi's face began radiating hope as he looked at Mario with glee.

"R-really?"

"Of-a course!" Mario wrapped his arms around his brother and embraced him. "I-a know you can do it!"

Luigi jumped up in joy. "So where's the tournament?"

"In-a bigger mansion than this-a piece of crap."

Luigi ignored his brother's comment and jumped in his car. "Is this the address?"

"Of-a course!" Mario smiled. Luigi waved him goodbye and drove away, unbeknownst to the "kick me" sign taped to his back. Mario snickered as he looked at the advertisement. "This-a tournament sounds like a great-a opportunity to impress my fans…I-a think I'll-a join!"

He walked over to his car and took a last glance at the real address, right before driving away from the collapsed mansion.


	2. Broken Nails

Holy crap, this story actually survived 2 days? And not just that, I have a review from someone who actually finds this funny. What the hell is wrong with you people!?

Eh, whatevs; here's the next chapter.

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**Chapter 2: Broken Nails And Shady Veils All Inducing Massive Fails**

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It was two days before the bus would arrive to pick up the contestants for the fighting tournament. In the mean time, Mario was relaxing at his house watching T.V while Wario brought Daisy there to continue where they left off from the collapsed mansion.

"Hey-a Wario, how-a long do-a you think-a you'll be doing-a that," Mario asked as he continued to flip through the channels.

"As long as I have this giant chin, I can do this forever, whaa-haha!" Wario smiled as he continued to kiss his new girlfriend. To be honest, Wario really isn't as perverted as people made him out to be; he only wanted to impress everybody… Unfortunately his execution is rather off. You'll see what I mean later on – that is, if this story survives.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Mario jumped up to answer, but found himself horrified upon finding out it was his brother. He was covered in mud and welts the size of baseballs. His torn clothing testified to his newfound lifestyle, for he was now homeless.

"Luigi! What the hell-a do you-a want," Mario asked with a cold glare.

"Mar-dio…"

His voice was weak from lack of water. "Mar-dio, I've been wandering the streets for days. Without a home I have nowhere to go… Can I stay here with you?"

"Oh hell-a no! Why the hell would I let-a you stay with-a me?"

"Mar-dio… We're brothers…"

"You're nothing-a but a piece-a crap!" The red clothed plumber pointed his finger to laugh at him. Luigi peered in the room and noticed Wario making out with his ex girlfriend once again.

"Mar-dio…Why does Daisy no longer love me anymore?"

"Because-a the ladies go for the men with-a big chins! You have-a no chin-a whatsoever."

"Mar-dio… I have no home… Please let me stay with you!"

The door slammed on Luigi's face, breaking his nose. He screamed in pain and swiftly grabbed his nose. "Mar-dio!"

He banged his fist on the door, but nobody answered. "Mar-dio! My nose is broken! Can I at least have a band-aid?"

The door opened as Mario tossed him a straight blade – right before slamming it shut.

* * *

"CUT!"

The director spoke through his megaphone in a stern, yet precise voice. Samus looked up at him and smiled.

"Beautiful," he cried out, "absolutely beautiful!"

She took off her helmet and sighed in relief. She was finally done with the latest Metroid game, and quite honestly needed a break. Unfortunately for the legendary bounty hunter, her feelings of satisfaction soon disappeared the moment she noticed something on her hand. Suddenly out of nowhere, she cried out in anguish.

"What's wrong," The director asked.

"I…I…"

"You what?"

"I… I BROKE A NAIL!"

That's right, folks, this is what I have done to Samus Aran. I did this, and don't you forget it.

Soon tears flew out of the actor like a waterfall. Her co-workers all threw their palms on their foreheads as she continued to cry at her loss. The director sighed; sometimes he wished Samus' personality matched the fictional character in the game.

"Samus, I'm sorry about your precious nail, but look – we finished the game! Now all we have to do is pack it, ship it, and cash in our next million – "

"I DON'T CARE!" She screamed as she ran around in circles pouting. Her make-up team swiftly ran over to her to attend the wound, but she wouldn't allow them to touch her unless their hands were properly sanitized.

And for the record, I can totally hear the groans from you guys. Admit it, you are embarrassed to read this.

Out of nowhere, a woman who looked similar to Samus marched over to the director with a scornful look over her face.

"Jeez, what's her problem now?"

The director looked at the Samus double and shook his head. "Hey Tetra, if you haven't noticed, our queen was once again wounded in combat."

The doppelganger slapped her forehead and muttered a few inappropriate words. "Why do we even have her? She can't even do her own stunts!"

She was right. The question of Samus' role in the Metroid games always loomed around his head, though the answer was painfully obvious: Without her face, there is no Metroid. He sometimes hated his job, because a scene that should only take a couple of days would generally take weeks because Samus stopped the shooting for nearly _everything_.

Her job wasn't even that tough. All she had to do was sit there, walk around in the suit, strike a pose or two, and resist the temptation to shake her ass every time she walked. After all, the fictional Samus was a warrior, not a Barbie doll. The director didn't even bother answering Tetra's question, for the stunt double already knew the answer.

"So," Tetra started, "What are you going to do about _this_?" She held out a small sheet of paper written in fine linen and encased in a vibrant set of jade.

"Don't remind me…"

The last thing the director wanted to think about was the invitation that arrived in his mailbox, requesting Samus to attend the fighting tournament. The truth behind the real Samus was a secret, which was safeguarded by the director, Tetra, and Samus' makeup crew. Of course, the crew was never informed of the dark truth, and the only reason they found out was because they never believed a spoiled twit who makes them stay three hours later than they should just to put on eye liner could _never_ be the great warrior who's face haunted the very dreams of space pirates everywhere.

Upon bringing this urgent matter up with the director, he offered them twenty million dollars in exchange for them to keep their mouths shut… He's been finding a way to get rid of them ever since.

"So what're you gonna tell them?"

"I'm not sure. We could write them a letter, but they won't accept those."

"Really? Then what – do they want a personal visit?"

The director snapped his fingers. "Oh! I know, we can send one of her agents down there to deny it!"

"Which one?"

"The one she hasn't fired yet."

Tetra shook her head. "Most likely they'd want to see her in person."

The old man let out a small growl. He looked at the actress in question; who was now finally calming down after the crew promised her a pony ride. After a horrible fantasy of her showing off her wardrobe to the tournament host, he decided it would be a bad idea.

"Are you kidding, if word gets out that the greatest bounty hunter the galaxy has ever seen is more preppy than a sixteen year old high school girl, we'll be ruined!"

"Ahem,"

To both of their horrors, Samus was right in front of them, arms crossed. "What _are_ you guys talking about?"

A drop of sweat beaded down Tetra's forehead as she quickly discarded the invitation behind her back. "N-nothing!"

"Oh come on! It's shiny so it _must_ be good," she proclaimed.

The director held up his finger. "You know, the whole 'everything shiny must be good' logic is sort of outdated since the Final Fantasy games – HEY!"

She made a grab for it, but Tetra held it up in the air. The actress though about making a jump for it, but decided an unexpected thump to the gut would do the trick. Unfortunately for Tetra, it worked. After quickly reading the invitation, a look of joy covered her face. Before she could say anything Tetra quickly swiped it away.

Her eyes lit up. "A tournament? And I'm invited?"

"Samus, I know what you're thinking…" Tetra's voice trailed off after remembering Samus was incapable of that. "Wait, scratch that. Samus, I think that's a bad idea."

"Oh come on, why not?"

"Because it's nothing you'd really be interested in."

"What do you mean?"

"It involves fighting, violence, and all that nasty stuff you hate so much."

The actress scowled. "I do not!"

Tetra's eyebrows furrowed. "Samus, you can't even watch the Teletubbies without my presence."

She scoffed. "Well duh! Have you seen those… those _things_? They give me the _creeps_!"

The director muttered a small "you've gotta be kidding me" before he finally decided to step in. "Look, if the world finds out you're nothing but a fake then you'll be lucky to become the next Barbie!"

He regretted that.

Her eyes lit up once again. "Barbie! I _love_ Barbie! Does that mean I'll have access to the latest fashion? Will I have the best designers? Oh! I know! There are these new pairs of shoe that I've always wanted to try on, they're only about five hundred an – "

"SAMUS!"

She looked up at the two, who were now leering down at her. "Look, you're _not_ going to that tournament. Understand?"

"Well that's not your decision, now is it?"

Tetra muttered a few more inappropriate words. "Why do you even want to go?"

"Oh because where there's a fighting tournament, there's _bound_ to be some cute guys!"

"Samus… These people are subjecting themselves to a contest that involves raw beatings… Do you really think there are going to be cute guys there?"

"Well they wouldn't want to enter a contest without making sure they look good, right? After all, many people are going to be watching so they _have_ to follow a code of proper hygiene and adequate grooming."

The director and her stunt double were now dumbstruck at what they just heard. Tetra muttered a few more things under her breath.

"Oh for the love of- NO!" She grabbed Samus by the collar and began shaking her. "Do you understand that these people are going to be _intimidating_?"

"Yeah, but they _must_ have a soft spot deep down."

Tetra fought off the urge to slap whatever monstrosity possessed her. After a few deeps breaths she decided another approach. "Okay then, how do you intend to win against these men who have been training their whole lives for this moment?"

"Why I'll kindly ask them to concede. They _have_ to abide by the requests of a lady."

The director grabbed hold of Tetra, who was now fighting to throw Samus into a chokehold. Her philosophy revolved around destroying the evil before it's unleashed into the world. For the first time in her life, Tetra was truly afraid of Samus Aran.


	3. The Most Disturbing OC Ever Created

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**Chapter 3: The Most Disturbing OC Ever Created**

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_Once upon a midnight dreary, within the catacombs of a twisted mind,_

_Comes a maniac far from ordinary, from the depths of Oblivion, where he once stood consigned._

_From the fabric of humanity, the lecherous all sang,_

"_Surrender to insanity; come forth, Wang-a-Tang"_

_ - __Art of the Wang__, pg. 48_

"Sammy…You really don't want to do this…"

The only way the director would allow Samus to embark on her perilous journey to the fighting tournament was to have Tetra place her under high surveillance. Not because she was a threat to society, but if the hosts of the tournament found out she weren't, everything would be blown to smithereens.

"Oh Tetra, just shush and let me do the talking!"

Those very words startled the stunt double. Of all the things she feared coming from Samus' mouth, the words "let me do the talking" easily topped the list. While her confidence was impressive, to say the least, Tetra still felt that allowing Samus to "do the talking" would be a terrible, terrible mistake.

"Sooo…How are you going to explain the suit of armor that's currently following you?"

The decision to allow Samus to participate in a fighting tournament posed as a double-edged sword. The only hope of maintaining Samus' dark secret would be for Tetra to take her place. But because Tetra wasn't Samus, she had to remain hidden from everyone. And the only suitable hiding place for Samus' stunt double was the very suit of armor Samus Aran wore during her fearless adventures across the galaxy.

So here they were, outside the studio, walking towards the bus that just arrived.

Samus let out a high-pitched giggle before answering Tetra's question. "Oh Tetra, our game is full of space-age technology, they'll never know the difference."

Tetra stared at the bus. Metallic blue painting coated the entire vehicle, the windows were obviously tinted, as evidenced by the reflection of the sun, and Tetra could tell by the absence of grooves that the windows were made of Plexiglas – making them bulletproof. She noticed a pair of grey cylinders on both sides of the body, which aimed at the back of the bus. The exterior appeared nothing short of lavish, but what caught Tetra's attention the most were the wheels – or lack of.

"Samus… I think this is a hovercraft."

The actress waved her arms in a dismissive manner and scoffed. "Eh, we have those in our world."

The two approached the bus and noticed two men in black tuxedos. They raised a perplexed eyebrow at the two and uttered a small "hmm…"

"Sooo, what's up, guys?" Samus flashed them a bright smile. And that's _exactly _why the idea of allowing Samus to "do the talking" invoked a strong sense of paranoia within Tetra.

The agents stared at each in an obviously confused manner. One of them decided to speak up. "Your world looks a little… Plain… Compared to our sources."

"Oh, that's because the high tech equipment is inside the building. After all, you can't just leave that stuff outside in the open, right?"

The two agents both jumped in unison. They appeared to be surprised.

"Right… What's with the suit?"

"Oh, well it's insaaanely hot outside, and if you think I'm going to subject myself to the horrendous stench of that old, smelly suit, you — "

Tetra stretched out her arm and slapped the girl upside the head. She flinched and shook her head. "I mean, uhh…."

She decided it was best to lower her voice to sound more masculine. That _was_, after all, Samus' portrayed character. "It's riskier to expose myself to the radiant heat. After all, I _am_ a risk taker, Hahaha!"

She attempted a burly laugh… keyword being attempted…

One of the agents tilted his head while the other raised an eyebrow. "The radiant sun?"

"Yeah."

"You mean the sun in this world is dangerous?"

"Only if you expose yourself too long, but don't worry, if you put on a healthy amount of sunscreen, you'll avoid the contraction of diabolical diseases such as skin cancer and – "

THWAP!

"I mean uhh… yeah! The radiation is very umm… dangerous! But I like danger! Yeah…"

To Tetra's surprise, the tale was sold. The agents nodded and pressed a small button on their watches. Suddenly a pair of gleaming silver hazmat suits covered the agents.

"Well then, thanks for the tip!"

They saluted. Samus seemed taken back by their sudden transformation, but decided to go along with it and took the opportunity to strike a pose. As soon as she posed Tetra slapped her upside the head once again.

"Ma'am, if I may ask, what is up with your suit?" One of the agents asked.

"It's uhh… Newfound technology… And we're umm… Trying to work out the… Kinks?"

"Very well, shall we restrain it?"

Tetra flailed her arms in a wild manner while shaking her head. Feeling threatened, one of the agents jumped back and pulled out a small taser. "It's going haywire!"

Before Samus could make an attempt to stop them, the two agents stabbed their tasers in both sides of her suit. Suddenly the suit was engulfed in electricity, producing regular flashes of light like a strobe lamp.

"Hey wait," Samus cried out. She pulled the two agents off and held her arms out in a protective manner. "You'll ruin the shine!"

"But ma'am, the suit was malfunctioning."

"It does that all the time."

The two gave her a bizarre look. "Really…is it some sort of defense mechanism?"

"Umm yeah, that's right."

She flashed them another innocent smile as the two agents pocketed their tasers. "Apologies, ma'am, the technology in this world has caught us off guard."

"It's okay."

"Where do you want us to store the suit?"

Samus placed a curious palm on her chin as she tilted her head to think. "Hmm…"

She looked over to the grounded suit, which appeared to be uttering some very inappropriate words and threats against her health to give off an effect of added indignation. "How about the trunk?"

The two saluted and grabbed the suit from both ends. As soon as they lifted it, it began to thrash all over the place. The two agents jumped back and dropped it. One of them could have sworn they heard a subtle "oomph!"

"On second thought, perhaps the suit should come along with me."

She flashed them another innocent smile as Tetra struggled to get up. Upon padding herself off, she lightly tapped Samus on the shoulder.

"You'll ruin the shine?" She hissed.

Samus shrugged, "well what did you want me to say? Please stop because the old lady inside the suit doesn't like to be tased?"

"_Old lady?!"_

At that point, Tetra felt a deep-seeded desire to destroy the abomination while it was unprotected. Somehow she managed to resist the temptation. She called it a miracle.

The agents shrugged and waved their arm at the bus door. The door opened and the bus driver waved them in. Samus glanced at the bus driver and gasped.

Now I'm afraid I must warn you that you're about to be terribly disturbed. Dearly beloved readers: please brace yourself.

Before she could say anything, Tetra shoved her hand over Samus' mouth. The bus driver, in a nutcase, looked repulsive. He wore regular clothing, but his face was an indescribable mass of features that rocked Samus' hometown to its foundation. Never had Samus envisioned such physical deformities in her life, even when facing the most gruesome space pirates.

He was bald with gray hair growing on the side, had slightly bushy black eyebrows, and purple eyes. He grew a blonde goatee, and had multiple streaks of brownish makeup drawn across his skin, giving off the illusion of wrinkles. He wore eyeliner, along with sky-blue eye shadow. But what caught Samus' attention the most was his long, dangling nose, which completely covered the man's mouth. It was, in Samus' opinion,

"GROSS!"

She nearly screamed at the top of her lungs. Tetra wrapped her arms around the seizing girl to calm her down.

"Yo, what up," the bus driver asked. As he spoke, his giant, circular nose twitched at every syllable spoken. Samus dared not say a word. The bus driver spoke in a deep voice. Tetra noticed a ghetto accent coming from him.

"Ya'll ain't never seen an OC?"

"Come again?" Samus scratched the back of her head.

"Yo! I be an OH-riginal charact-A!" The driver tilted his head and flailed his hands at nearly every word, his nose continuing to waggle as he spoke. "Ya dig?"

Tetra leaned down so her voice would only reach Samus' ear. "Come on, just sit down, I really don't think you need to be messing with that man."

Unfortunately Samus wasn't prone to taking direct orders.

"You don't seem _that_ original…"

The driver flinched. His nose started dangling even more. "Yo! I dunno what wrong wit dis bitch, but she can SUCK IT!"

He made more rapid movements with his hands as he continued to cuss the girl out. "I tell ya, I be moe oh-riginal than ANY OC on dis site! I tell ya why! You eva seen a moe oh-riginal charact-a?"

The bus driver seemed to enunciate nearly every syllable he made. Samus; however, wasn't convinced.

"Oh yeah, what makes you so original?"

"I tell ya! I got a birth date, I got a back ground, I even got an oh-riginal NAME!"

"And that is?"

"They call me WANG-A-TANG!"

Tetra tried to pull Samus back before she could continue to argue with him, but she still insisted. "Well I've seen other OC's that have backgrounds. What about Foxpilot's stuff?"

"Are you kiddin'? That nigga ain't got nothin'! I tell ya now, he got a name, he got a weapon, he got a faction, he even got a poe-sition! But I tell ya dat I got somethin' betta!"

"And that is?"

"I gots make-up!"

The driver pointed to the makeup he had on his face. Samus shrugged. "But Foxpilot is part of a franchise. His position was created by the obliteration of an innocent land, and ever since then he fought endlessly within his mind to push through his inner conflictions between his position and his master and now he must figh – "

"BITCH DID YOU HEAR ME? FOXPILOT IS WEAK, YO!"

Samus was taken back at Wang-a-tang's sudden outburst. And yes, I do have Foxpilot's permission to do this.

"I TELL YA RIGHT NOW, I BE OH-RIGINAL BECAUSE I GOTS A WANG FO A MOUF! YOU CAN CALL DIS, DA MOUF FROM DA SOUF, BITCH!"

Tetra grabbed Samus by the collar and dragged her to a random seat before she could escalate the situation. One of the agents uttered a small "At least Foxpilot develops his characters…" to himself.

Wang-a-tang glared at him before brandishing a glock. "SAY DAT AGAIN!"

He waved it dangerously at the scared man's face. "SAY DAT SHIT AGAIN! I WANNA HEAR YOU SAY IT!"

"S-say what?" The agent's voice was stuttering. Sweat drops trickled down his face.

"YOU KNOW WHAT DA (Insert bleeping sound here) I'M TALKIN' ABOUT! SAY IT AGAIN OR I BLOW YO GOD DAMNED HEAD OFF!"

"I-I didn't mean it – "

"YOU MUTHA (insert bleeping sound here)ER I HEARD DAT SHIT!"

_ONOMATOPOEIA DEPICTING GUNSHOT! (That means "bang!", in case you're stupid.)_

Blood spatter splashed across the concrete as the agent collapsed. His comrade sighed at the loss of _yet_ another one. He shrugged as the door closed and the bus began to move. Samus looked over at Tetra. "This guy's nuts!"

"You got that right. See why we didn't want you doing this?"

"I understand, but jeez, he didn't have to do that! I mean I've heard of worse OC's."

"Really."

"Yeah, if I recall, I remember this one OC that was always dating Pikachu."

"Hey I think I know who you're talking about," the agent said, "and if I recall it was an author insert, not an OC."

"WAIT A SEC, HOLD IT!"

The bus screeched to an abrupt halt. The passengers flew to the front of their seats, smashing their heads into the back. A voice was heard in the back screaming "MEWTWO! OH MY GOD, MEWTWO!"

A stray head casually rolled down the aisle. Wang-a-tang ignored it and turned around to glare at the agent. "Are you saying that dis bitch inserted herself in the mutha (insert bleeping sound here)ing story?"

"That is correct."

"And dis bitch did dat shit to date… Pikachu?"

"Affirmitive."

"Pikachu…. Of all da guys she had to pick…She chose (insert bleeping sound here)ing Pikachu…"

"Yes, sir…"

The bus driver shook his head shamefully. "Damn! There be some sick mutha (insert bleeping sound here)ers in dis world."

The bus once again took off towards their next destination.


	4. A Modest Mistake

**Note: Big thanks to Foxpilot for being the wonderful, understanding person he is for allowing me to make fun of him and steal his OC's without his permission.**

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**Chapter 4: A Modest Mistake**

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The trip so far was, as Samus would put it, unusually silent and quite dull.

"Jeez," she muttered, "why isn't anybody saying anything?"

Tetra released an irritable sigh. "Sammy, can I at least take off this helmet? It's getting hot in here."

"Then how do you propose we explain the doppelganger?"

At first, Tetra was caught off guard at Samus' correct usage of the word "doppelganger", but then she got an idea. "How about telling them that you are able to work with and without the suit?"

"Oh?"

"Well the fictional Samus is portrayed as a warrior who went through intense training with and without the suit… so one of us can fight in the suit, and the other can fight without the suit."

"And what do you propose we call this 'zero suit Samus'?"

"Umm… Zero Suit Samus?"

"That's a terrible idea!"

She folded her arms as Tetra allowed an animated sweat drop roll down her head… oh and for the record, I just came up with the name Tetra, and the fact there's a character named Tetra in Zelda: Wind Waker is completely coincidental… now that I've broken the fourth wall, I'd like to continue.

"But Sammy, what happens when they make you step into the battle arena? You'll get creamed and your reputation will be crushed along with your limbs."

"That's why I'm not gonna fight."

"Come again?"

She flashed her friend an evil smile. "Why you, my slave robot, will fight for me. While you do that, _I'll_ be romancing the boys."

Tetra bellowed a low growl. "Ugh… why do I suspect this plan is going to backfire?"

"Come on, at least it's creative." She then scanned the area for any listeners before leaning towards Tetra. "Unlike our bus driver…"

The bus suddenly swerved as Wang-a-tang turned around with a cold glare… if that were even possible…

"SAY WHAT?"

"N-nothing."

He pulled out his glock and shoved it in Samus' face, this time twisting his wrist to the side. "WHAT DA ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) DID YOU JUST SAY?"

"Leave her alone!"

He flinched and pointed the gun to the suit of armor. "What da… did dat armor just talk?"

"Umm yeah…"

"What da ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)?"

"And tone down your language, there are children present!" Tetra motioned towards the four kids in the back of the bus, whom were staring wide-eyed at the whole situation.

It was clearly evident to Samus that Tetra was angry with the driver. Wang-a-tang suddenly jumped out of the seat and ran up to the suit of armor. "AWW HAIL NO! I POP A CAP IN DIS BITCH'S ASS!"

Before Tetra could react, the agent yanked the bus driver back and threw him in his empty seat. He then pulled a syringe out of his front pocket and stabbed it in Wang-A-Tang's neck. "Easy now, just let the sediments work their magic," he cooed.

Wang-a-tang took a deep breath as he reluctantly handed the gun over to the agent. "Good boy," he said as he pocketed the revolver.

Tetra, now calming down, looked at Samus. "I really don't like that guy."

Samus patted her stunt double on the back. The next fifteen minutes was silence. She looked around to see the four kids kicking what she presumed to be a head around. "What the heck?"

Tetra looked back at the kids and gasped. "Hey! What are you doing?"

One of the kids looked up. He wore a heavy blue fur coat, which covered his whole entire skin. "Playing Hacky Sack."

"What?"

Another boy in a red hat, striped shirt, and blue shorts chimed in. "Well since Mewtwo lost his head when the bus driver slammed on the brakes, we have nothing better to do than to kick it around."

Had the suit not concealed her face, Tetra's mortified expression would have drawn everyone's attention. "That… That is _so_ wrong…"

She turned her head to the front of the bus and sighed. "Sammy, even the kids are demented, are you sure you want to go with this?"

"Oh Tetra, you're just too worrisome, you know that? Lighten up!"

"Oh give me a break…"

The bus once again surrendered to yet another awkward silence. Only the sound of feet colliding with Mewtwo's head could be heard. Suddenly Wang-a-tang jumped.

"Oh!"

He reached over to the radio. "You know what dis needs? Some music!"

He turned the radio on. Suddenly the bus was filled with loud, orchestral music. Samus looked up and listened. "Wow, didn't expect this."

As the cymbals crashed, a large choir immediately burst into a barrage of foreign chanting.

"_Jamais gonna give you up, never gonna te laisser tomber, never gonna courir et vous abandoner."_

"What is this?" Samus asked. She had never heard any arrangement of music that wielded such caliber. Tetra sighed in breathtaking awe as the choir sung even louder.

"_Ne jamais te faire pleurer, ne va jamais dire au revoir, ne va jamais dire un mensonge et vous blesser."_

And then the author of this story laughed. Really. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ing. Hard. And you know _exactly _why.

Wang-a-tang became startled. "What da ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) is dis shit?"

He glared coldly at the agent, who pretended to be surprised. "I can't have dis shit blastin' in mah ride!"

With the twisting of more knobs, the radio shifted from a glorious symphony filled with strings and choir to an extremely loud bass, pounding the ears of everybody in the area.

"Yea! Now DIS is what I'm talkin' 'bout!"

He banged his head furiously into the air as he suddenly immersed himself in the beat. Samus' face contorted into disgust. "You've gotta be kidding me…"

Out of nowhere, Wang-A-Tang began rapping.

"The mind of the lyricist be so delirious, when I spit my rhymes, I sound so serious, but if you step up to me, I get real furious!" He swung his head around to face the passengers. "I'LL CUT YO DICK OFF AN' PUT IT IN A BLENDER!"

Tetra let out another growl. "God I want to _kill _him…"

She looked over at the agent and requested the revolver he confiscated from the deranged bus driver. Unfortunately her request was denied. Wang-a-tang continued.

"My voice is da thunda; my fist is da lightning, when you've seen my shit, you white boi's all be frightenin'."

Samus groaned. It dawned on her that she would be stuck on this bus for quite a while.

* * *

"Are you sure this tournament's a good idea, Fox?"

Fox looked over at his companion, who looked a bit like him. The difference being his companion had red fur.

"Well I was invited, so I don't see why not."

"Yeah, but look who else was invited."

"Falco?"

"No…"

He nudged him and motioned toward the leering wolf. Fox whispered into his companion's ear. "I know what you mean… Don't worry, I'll keep a close eye on him."

"I'm warning you, if he tries _anything,_I'll – "

Don't worry, Greg, I'll get him before he even tries." Fox patted him on the shoulder and turned to Falco. He too was glaring at Wolf.

"You can't trust him," he sneered. He then turned to Fox. "How in blazes did _he_ get invited?"

"Do you have a better suggestion?"

Falco shot his finger in Greg's direction. Fox shook his head. "I know…At least you can trust him…"

"I'm still not sure of this," Greg said, "I mean a universal fighting tournament sounds good, but I looked at the roster, and _he's_ not the only one attending."

Fox raised a perplexed eyebrow. "How did you manage to get a hold of the roster?"

"I'm a spy, and a well crafted OC as well; what do you expect?"

"Touché…"

Falco looked over at Greg and noticed a devious smile creeping on him. He threw his palm to his forehead and cried out "Clive!"

He snapped his fingers and uttered a small "darn," before bursting into laughter. Falco spat on the ground, "Jeez I hate it when they do that…"

Fox shrugged and snickered. "So I take it Greg couldn't show up to our farewell party?"

Before Clive could answer, Greg walked up to the three. "Sorry I'm late…Why is my brother wearing my clothes?"

His twin brother blushed. "I thought I'd erm…"

"Don't worry about it," he said. He looked up at Fox and Falco. "Look, my guess is that they invited _him_ to the tournament because of popular demand or they were in great need of villains. Fox, I'm warning you, if he tries _anything_, give me a call and I'll have the whole Star Wolf team disbanded and, or arrested. Got it?"

Fox laughed. "Jeez, you and your brother both, I get it. Don't worry, if he tries anything, Falco and I will take care of him."

"Good. Well I wish you the best of luck."

The two nodded. An intense vibration then interrupted their moment of friendship. Upon looking up they saw a metallic-blue bus heading their way. The vibration from the music made an intense impact on Fox's sensitive ears. He instantly threw his fingers in his ears in desperate hope to prevent the contraction of migraines, but it was to no avail.

Greg exhaled. "Are you sure you want to go?"

"I'll be fine…"

The bus pulled up. Upon opening the doors, Fox found out how loud the music really was.

"YO, WHAT UP," Wang-a-tang screamed.

Fox glanced at Wang-a-tang and gasped. "What the – "

"YA'LL READY TO GET DIS SHIT STARTED?"

Falco growled. Upon looking at Wang-a-tang, he shook his head. "Oh dear lord…"

Clive dug into his pocket and pulled out his wrench. "I can fix that disturbing feature of his, if you want."

Wang-a-tang grabbed his revolver from the agent and pointed it at Clive.

"WHAT DA ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) DID YOU JUST SAY? I HEARD DAT!"

Greg pushed Clive aside and pointed his sword at his neck. "If you want to live, I _highly_ suggest you point that thing away from my brother."

Wang-a-tang glared at him and put the gun away. "Bitch, you lucky you belong to Foxpilot, otherwise I'd wreck yo shit worse than a M. Night Shyamalan wrecked Avatar: The Last Airbender… so you in da tournament?"

"Tempting, but I have enough on my plate as it is."

"Whatevs…"

Wang-a-tang shrugged and motioned for Fox, Falco, and Wolf to get on the bus. Wolf sneered at the two. "Better watch your back, mate."

With that, he jumped on the bus. Fox and Falco dismissed his comment and followed suit. Before jumping on, Fox looked back at Greg and Clive. "Sure you guys don't want to come?"

"Nah, gotta make sure Scale Bug doesn't pull anything while you're gone."

Wang-A-Tang growled. "Dammit, not another OC!"

Fox ignored it and saluted. The two returned it and waved him farewell. After the bus closed, Wang-a-tang looked back at his new passengers. "DAMN, THERE'S BE SOME FURRIES HERE!"

The three ignored him and sat down.

With a shrug, Wang-A-Tang took his seat. "Next stop, Emerald Hill!"

Samus looked at the new passengers and stuck out her tongue. "Bleh! He's not cute at all!"

Tetra shrugged. "Well Sammy, I'm just glad you're not into animals…"

* * *

Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Amy were huddled in a circle at the International Bus Stop. They were there to wish Knuckles good luck in the fighting tournament.

"Think I'll do well?" He took a deep breath as he started boxing the air.

Sonic scoffed. "Don't worry, knucklehead, you'll be fine."

"Well, if I was able to help you take out Eggman, I'm sure these guys will be cake."

"Dude, you're one of the best fighters I've ever seen in my life. There's no _way_ you'll lose!" Sonic laughed as he patted the Echidna on the back. Tails nodded.

"Don't worry Knuckles," Tails said as he flashed a grin, "I've upgraded your gloves. After a few touch ups, you'll be sure to knock out _anybody_ with those bad boys."

"Isn't that illegal?"

"Nah, I checked the roster, and it said that the fighters are welcome to do what ever they want to prepare for the tournament. It even made it clear that steroids were allowed."

Amy sighed. "You know, I really hate it when guys have to depend on that kind of stuff in order to win." She then looked up at Sonic, "hey Sonic, why weren't you invited?"

"Eh, guess I wasn't popular enough."

Knuckles smirked. "Don't worry Sonic, I'll be thinking of you when I'm out there winning."

The blue hedgehog laughed once more. "Ha! Go ahead, in the mean time I'm gonna take a vacation and chill until Eggman makes his next move."

"Good luck."

"You too."

Another great moment between friends was once again interrupted by the pounding force of a giant bass. Amy covered her ears. "Jeez! What's with the loud music?"

The bus arrived and the doors opened. Wang-a-tang looked over at the agent. "DAMN! WHEN DA ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) DID WE GET TO FURRYVILLE!"

Upon noticing the four staring vacantly at him, he smiled. "YO! WHAT UP?"

Knuckles flinched at the sight of the driver's nose. "What the…"

"YA'LL BE KNUCKLES, RIGHT?"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"I SAY, YOU KNUCKLES, RIGHT?"

"I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU"

"ARE YOU ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ING KNUCKLES OR NOT?"

"THE MUSIC'S TOO LOUD!"

Wang-a-tang growled and looked at the agent. "YO! TURN DAT SHIT DOWN!"

The music was turned down and Wang-a-tang looked at Knuckles. "I say, you Knuckles?"

"Yeah…"

"Great, I'm yo ride, name's Wang-a-tang!"

Knuckles couldn't help but stare at the bus driver's features.

"Are you deaf?"

"What is that on your face?"

"That be mah nose, mah lips, and mah – "

"I don't wanna know."

"What, you gotta problem wit it?"

Knuckles continued to watch it dangle at every syllable. Wang-a-tang suddenly got offended. "YO! YOU GONNA GET ON DA BUS OR STARE AT IT?"

"Seriously man, don't you want to get that fixed?"

The bus driver pulled out his revolver and pointed it at Knuckle's face. "MUTHA ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)A! HOW BOUT YOU GET YO FACE FIXED!"

"Whoa dude, just chill!"

"DON'T TELL ME TO ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ING CHILL YOU DAMNED MUTHA ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ER YOU! YOU BETTA GET BACK ON THE BANANA BOAT, DATS WHAT THE ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) YOU DO! YOU GET ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ED UP, YOU BITCH ASS MUTHA ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)A!"

"Whoa dude! Chill out!"

"DATS IT!"

ONOMATOPOEIA DEPICTING GUNSHOT!

Knuckles fell to the ground, dead. Amy screamed while Sonic and Tails jumped back.

"WHOA!" Sonic yelped.

Wang-a-tang shouted absurdities to himself, AKA he cursed, but I felt like being awfully descriptive at the time. "DAMN IT! DAT ONE WAS ONE OF DA CONTESTANTS!"

The agent gasped and ran over to the bus driver. "Sir, what are we gonna do?"

"HOW DA ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) DO I KNOW? I'M JUST A BUS DRIVER!"

"We have to think of something, sir!"

"Hmm…" Suddenly an idea popped into Wang-a-tang's head. He pointed the gun at Sonic. "YOU!"

"M-me?"

"NO, DAT FAGGOT ASS ORANGE TWO TAILED FOX BITCH, YEA YOU! YOU GET THE ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ON DIS BUS RIGHT NOW!"

"But I'm not a contestant – "

"SHUT DA ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) UP AND GET ON DIS MUTHA ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ING BUS RIGHT NOW BEFORE I POP A CAP IN YO ASS!"

"B-but – "

"NOW!"

Sonic reluctantly obeyed and quickly jumped on the bus. Suddenly the doors flew shut and the bus took off, leaving a crying Amy, a shocked Tails, a dead Knuckles, and a trail of smoke.

Wang-a-tang pushed Sonic towards the seats. "SIT DOWN NOW!"

The scared hedgehog sat next to a black figure. Wang-a-tang looked over at the contestants and pointed the gun at them. "NOW DOES ANY ONE OF YOU MUTHA ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ERS HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY 'BOUT MY NOSE?"

The contestants were silent.

"DAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! NOW I THINK IT LOOKS PRETTY ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ING BEAUTIFUL! DON'T YOU MUTHA ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ERS AGREE?"

They all nodded. "GOOD! NOW IF ANY ONE OF YOU BITCHES HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY 'BOUT MY NOSE, AND IT AIN'T A COMPLIMENT; SO HELP ME **GOD** I'LL PUMP YO ASS WITH MORE LEAD THAN JOHN ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ING LENNON, YOU SKINNY ASS MUTHA ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)AS! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, YOU FAT PIECES OF SHIT?"

They all nodded with vacant looks on their faces. Out of nowhere, the agent jabbed another syringe in his neck. Wang-a-tang looked at the agent and sighed. "Bitch, you know I hate it when you do dat shit while I'm in da zone."

He dropped the gun in the agent's open palm before sitting in a nearby front seat. The agent averted his attention towards the dazed contestants. "I apologize for the inconvenience, but I will be assuming the position of bus driver for the remainder of this trip. Thank you for choosing "Smash International", and please remember to keep your seatbelt worn at all times."

With a bow, he sat at the wheel and continued to drive towards their final destination... no pun intended...


	5. Sonic's the Name Speed's My Game

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**Chapter 5: Sonic's The Name; Speed's My Game**

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A half scared, blue hedgehog walked through the aisle, making sure to _slowly_ creep around Wang-a-tang, who kept murmuring to himself about love, peace, and respect. As he scanned the bus for seats, he noticed a black figured motioning towards him. He walked over to him.

"Hey man, have a seat," the black figure said.

Upon closer inspection, Sonic noticed simply describing him as the black figure was the best description, considering he was _literally_ a 2 dimensional black figure…Go figure, you lazy, Japanese sons of —

"What up?" The figure asked.

"N-nothing," he replied. He was still shaken up by the altercation that recently occurred.

"Yo man, you look worked up. Take a seat, homes!" The figure said with a nod.

Sonic noticed his 2-bit arm blinking out and randomly appearing on the seat. The hedgehog, being too nervous to question the reality of the situation, sat down and curled his legs to his chest.

"What's wrong, yo?"

He shook his head. Out of nowhere, he began rocking back and forth. The 8-bit figure would have raised his eyebrows had the Japanese actually given him one, you STUPID, DUMB MOTHER FU-

"I just lost a very important friend of mine…" He muttered.

The figure shook his head... I know, I'm surprised as well…

"Yo man, I feel ya, dawg, but ya gotta chill." His arm suddenly appeared in front of the hedgehog's face. "Name's Mista Game and Watch."

"Sonic…"

"Hey man come on, lighten up, would ya?" Mr. Game and Watch continued to stare at the now immobile Sonic.

The hedgehog slowly raised his head and looked at the 8-bit figure. "Look, you don't understand, he's dead! My best friend in the world, dead!" His eyes swelled up while he continued to rock.

"Hey man, remember: yo homie always be in yo heart, and don't you forget it!"

He somehow managed to pat Sonic on the shoulder… No, actually his arm disappeared and reappeared on his shoulder over, and over again, because once again, the Japanese are ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ing lazy! "Just remember, you now in dis tournament!"

"I never wanted to be here!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, come on dawg, you need to chillax!"

With a sigh, he made an attempt to stop his relentless crying. "You know…" he sniffed, "you're right… Knuckles wouldn't want me to act like this… Even though he's…"

"Hey man look, you seem like you need something to help ya chill, if ya know what I mean."

He looked up at Mr. Game and Watch, curiosity filling his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"You know…" He motioned towards a small black bag that lied next to him.

The hedgehog was still confused. "I got some stuff…"

"What kind of stuff?"

The 8-bit figure suddenly jumped up with excitement. "Yo man, Mista Game and Watch hook you up! I tell ya right now, I got some stuff!"

"Like?"

"Yo man, check it out," he said. He then opened his bag and started naming off the items he was pulling out. "I got hammers, I got bacon, I got turtles, I got candles, I got tables, I even got a fryin' pan!"

Sonic didn't expect to run into a shady figure that would carry around so many random objects. He suddenly pulled out a bowl. "I even got a fish bowl!"

"Where did you get that?"

Suddenly a very small man jumped into the middle of the aisle. "WHO'S GOT MY HELMET?" He screamed.

Everybody on the bus looked around in confusion. Out of nowhere, the man pulled out what looked like a red onion. "WHO EVER HAS IT BETTER GIVE IT BACK BEFORE I SICK MY PIKMIN ON YOU!"

Suddenly a large amount of miniature plants of the same height, but different hues, popped up out of nowhere. Mr. Game and Watch froze. Before Sonic could make a grab for the bowl, the 8-bit figure tossed it to a young boy, who caught it with an excited expression on his face.

The boy was relatively small, dressed in green, and wore a green hat that nearly covered his head. Next to the boy was a woman in a pink dress. She looked down at the boy with a smile.

"Oh Young Link," she said, "Where did you get that?"

The boy smiled with glee as he pointed to Mr. Game and Watch, but before he could finish, the small man with the red onion pounced on him. "YOU PIECE OF CRAP!"

He then proceeded to beat the living crap out of him with a red onion. The woman sitting next to the boy jumped up with a shriek. The boy, whose face was completely lathered in blood, regained his composure and pushed the small, violent man-thing off of him. In an act of vindictive anger, he punched the man-thing in the face-thing.

The assailant snarled. "That's it, PIKMIN!"

Be pulled out a whistle and blew. Moments later, the boy was engulfed in a sea of ravage onions. The boy screamed. It sounded like the screams of a white, hot agony searing through his flesh and bones to the point of anguish – before receding like a purple curtain of pain, a sweeping tide of of physical discomfort, reforming,  
preparing for the next awful onslaught.

Within minutes, all that was left of the boy was a skeleton and the bowl, which the man promptly placed over his head.

"There we go," he said in a warm, caring tone, as if he were never angry in the first place. He then went back to his seat with a smile, leaving the terrified woman to stare horrifically at the young boy's remains.

"Oh my God," Sonic screamed. "I gotta get out of here!"

Mr. Game and Watch latched on to the freaked out hedgehog. "Hey man, you gotta chill!"

"Chill? That freak of nature had those monsters eat him alive, and you want me to _chill_?"

"Hey man look, Mista Game and Watch hook you up!" He dug into his bag in search for something.

"Where the hell did you get all that stuff, anyways?"

"Yo man, I had lots of girls, if ya know what I'm sayin', and when we ended our relationships, they would kick me out and throw things at me," he said as he continued to dig through his bag. "And I figured hey, maybe I could use some of this stuff, know what I'm sayin'?"

The hedgehog recoiled at the 8-bit figure's statement. "You got that stuff from your ex girlfriends?"

"Yeah man! Look, I'm the guy that's got you hooked! I got everything, you name it; I got it!"

"Even your ex girlfriends?"

"Hell yeah, look, I got restraining orders, I got injunctions, I got court dates, I got child support, I even got a funeral to attend!"

"What!"

"Yeah, one of them girls got out of control and I had to shut her up, if ya know what I mean!"

"You're sick!"

"Naw, she just don't like bacon. I tried to cook her some, but turns out she's allergic to grease…"

Sonic stood, deciding he didn't want to hear anymore. "No way man, you're a sick person!"

"Hell yeah I'm sick, I been with all dem women! I got STD's I got Syphilis, I got AIDS, I got Herpes, I got Gonorrhea, I got – "

"You can stop now…I'm not feeling well…" The hedgehog sat back down as he clamped his stomach.

Mr. Game and Watch continued to dig through his bag until he somehow managed to light up with excitement. "Oh here we go; I got some stuff to calm yo nerves!"

"Huh?"

"Yo check it!" He pulled out a variety of capsules. "I got some stuff that'll knock yo ass out!"

"Wait… are those… steroids?"

"I got some of that, but this stuff is betta! Just keep it on the low down, if ya know what I'm sayin'."

He spun around, peeling his eyes for unwanted listeners. But then it hit him. "Wait a second, are those… drugs?"

"Yeah, eva heard of em?"

"Oh no, I'm not doing that stuff!"

"Oh come on, you need to relax; you just witnessed two murders, whereas I witnessed four!" Mr. Game and Watch miraculously held up four fingers… needless to say, they weren't his… "Yo I can get you calmed down, I got Zantacs, I got some MJ, I got Dextroproxyphene, I got Coke, I got Pepsi, I got – "

Wait, pepsi?"

"Pepsi pills, slang for Amphetamines. Jeez, dawg, doncha know your stuff?"

The hedgehog shook his head once again. "No because I'm not into that stuff. Didn't you watch my cartoon?"

"Yeah, and that's how I know you're lying! Look man, I can hook you up with anything from Narcotics, to PCP, to Speed, I can even get you some Methamphetamines."

Suddenly something sparked in the blue hedgehog's mind. "Wait, what was that last one?"

"Crystal meth, I got ya hooked!"

"No, the one before that."

"Speed?"

"Yeah, that one."

"Oh hell yeah, I got all the Blazin' Saddles you could ever want!" He suddenly reached for a capsule. Sonic never heard of anything that could possibly make him faster, but if it had potential, he wanted to try it. "Mista Game and Watch got ya hooked!"

"Well… Anything that's related to speed _has_ to be good… Sure, I'll take some!"

"Great!"

The hedgehog reached for the pill, but Mister Game And Watch quickly yanked it away. "Now hold on!"

"What's wrong?"

"Before I do this, I need to make sure you ain't blue."

Confused, Sonic flung his arms out and looked at himself. "But… I am blue…"

"No, not that blue! I mean flat feet!"

Sonic became even more confused. He pointed at his red and white striped shoes. "But I do have flat feet"

"No dawg! I'm talkin' 'bout the po-po!"

One of the kids glanced at the two. "I'm Popo!"

"Yo shut the hell up!"

The kid in the blue coat ducked his head to hide the tears beading down his cheeks. Ignoring it, Mister Game And Watch leaned towards Sonic.

"Okay look, I gotta make sure you ain't a cop. Ya dig?"

"Ohhh!" Sonic suddenly raised his voice without realizing it. "You want to make sure I'm not an undercover cop because you're a black guy selling me drugs!"

"SHH!"

The 8-bit drug dealer dove under the seat, taking his bag with him. A minute of silent fell over the two. Eventually Mister Game And Watch stood up after realizing nobody would bother him. "Yo man, didn't anyone teach you anything 'bout subtlety?"

"No, but this one time I discouraged my friend, Tails, from calling 911 after being surrounded by bad guys who wanted to severely hurt him. After all, 911 is for _real _emergencies."

Unfortunately Mister Game And Watch wasn't drawn well enough to convey the vacant expression on his face. "I see. Any other worthless advice you gave kids?"

"I told them they could learn plenty from a slob."

"… And you're telling me you're not into drugs..."

"Yep!"

"… Jesus Christ, dawg, it's 'bout time you started!" He shoved the capsules in the blue hedgehog's hands. "This one's on the house."

"Really?"

"Yeah dawg, we now be homies!"

His eyes glimmered with hope. "Does this mean I'm officially friends with a black guy?"

If only Mister Game And Watch contained the megapixels necessary to look puzzled. "Da hell you talkin' 'bout?"

"Well to tell the truth, my franchise hasn't been doing well with the black community. Seriously – the only notable black character is a gun-slinging douchebag."

"Oh really. Well that ain't cool."

"Yeah well now that I think about it, the yellow one is technologically adept, the red one is obsessed with the environment while dedicating his entire existence to protecting the sacred gem of his tribe, and the pink one's retarded… And she likes clothes… Lots and lots of clothes…" His voice trailed off at the sudden realization that he was living in a world of stereotypes.

"Well brutha, now you understand why Nintendo was so quick to jump in bed with Sega."

The two shook hands as Sonic slowly opened the capsule and pulled out a small, white tablet. With a shrug, he popped it in his mouth and waited. Within minutes, he exploded with a burst of energy and started running laps around the bus. Mr. Game and Watch smiled at yet, another satisfied customer.


End file.
